The enemy is real.

Recently, we walked into the doors of a church we did not know after months of clinging to a place of comfort. We, like so many others, had been hurt by The Church. We were criticized and cast out because of the people in power. 

Oddly, that statement makes me feel a bit closer to Jesus. The people of power during His day were the ones that lead the followers to send Him to His death on the cross. If the Creator of the World, God in Flesh, can be church hurt; who are we to think that we are immune. 

Stepping out of a place of comfort was not easy for us. Heck, stepping into that place of comfort for the past few months has been torture. Now let me explain, we were hurt. We were hurt by the people we committed to serve and those who committed to serve alongside us. We were hurt by the Lord who chose to let us fall at the hands of our enemies. So often we like to hide from those hurts but our desire for the Lord has carried us into an uncomfortable place multiple times a week. 

I know. I said it was a place of comfort previously. Yes, comfortable. Yes, uncomfortable. It seems confusing but you know as well as I do that a comfortable place can get uncomfortable very quickly.

The morning we walked through the doors of this unfamiliar church, the enemy began his work. The check in system for the children’s ministry would not print labels for my children. The classroom for my third grader was not staffed and our arrival ten minute prior to service put us walking into worship nine minutes late. There were already a dozen reasons for me to feel that this decision to try to stretch ourselves was pointless. We truly felt that we needed to put to action behind our desire to be renewed. We were there. 

After the service, we were approached by several pastors. One pastor commented that he hoped the morning went smoothly for us. I smiled and told him that we had served in the ministry for many years and knew the details to overlook. He did not look to reassured by my response, so I went on to explain that those little hiccups were most definitely the enemy eager to keep us at bay. The devil was not going to just let us continue to walk through this season of rest and renewal. He was going to make us work for it. 

1 Peter 5:8-11 says,

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen

  

The enemy is real and he seeking to distroy us. How can we be sober-minded; be watchful? We must be aware of his willful actions and call him out. We must resist him and his attempts to get us all worked up and stand firm in our faith. We must keep walking in obedience to God even if it means we feel terribly uncomfortable. 

We will be going back to that unfamiliar church this coming Sunday. Overall, our experience was still encouraging. The volunteers were very friendly and remained positive but even more so we felt the Holy Spirit speak; more loudly than we have heard Him speak in some time. So it seems that an uncomfortable, unfamiliar place were we hear the Lord speak is exactly where we should be. 

Not Pictured

I find it hard to post pictures of myself. I have not always been this way. You can look through my Facebook and insta feeds and see more than a few dozen pictures of me over the years. But I have found it difficult to post pictures of myself the last few months.

Do I look different? Well, yeah. My hair is darker and I have actually lost a few pounds but it isn’t about how I look. It’s how I feel. I feel like I need to protect myself. I feel like I STILL need to be guarded. Who the heck is this person?

If you have spent any time with me whatsoever, you know that I am pretty much an open book. I have no problem sharing what God has done or is doing in my life or encouraging you to seek out what He has in store for you. Until now. You see, I was feared by our ministry partners. The people that were supposed to be walking with me through ministry were afraid of what I had to say or the encouragement I would offer. They found me intimidating.

Really? I though we were friends. I thought our journey through ministry would have us to grow closer to one another and to the Lord. Boy, was I wrong. They saw me as their boss’s wife. They thought I was dictating instruction. They were afraid that if they did not listen to me, they would be approached by my husband and chastised. Some quit. They told others that I was the reason but not me. Some reported me for harassment but they didn’t bother to confront me. They were afraid.

So, here I am. Afraid to share anything. Afraid to post my picture. Afraid to post a quote. Afraid to post a Bible verse.  Because, if those I thought I had partnered with receieved me wrong; what will the World perceive?

What are we doing here?

We returned to our home church shortly after coming home to North Carolina. We were glad to see our church family and they were so glad to see us.  Many of them had continued to support us even while we were serving other churches. Over a dozen of them came to visit us in Alabama in an effort to further the Gospel through our ministries. And more than that, often gave to our churches to ensure that kingdom building existed among their ministries.

You see, self focus often happens in churches. We begin to worry more about the disciples growing into mature Christians than converting the broken-hearted to a believer. It’s no one persons fault; it is our sin nature. We want the focus to be on us but is that Christ’s desire.

These in our home church wanted to follow God. Their church had been greatly blessed financially and they believed we were doing the work of the Lord in Alabama and entrusted us with their offerings. It is this trust and the belief of God’s calling upon our lives that continues to lead to one question... What are you doing here?

We were protecting our family from those that intended us harm.
We were allowing our church the opportunity to move forward.
We were returning to seminary because we must have been lacking.
We were being quiet and letting the Lord speak for us.
We were starting over.

That is what we thought we were doing here but that is not what we are doing here!

We are resting!
We are being renewed!
We are trusting God to guide our steps!
We are waiting patiently for our ministries to be restored!

I often wonder if they will ask another question. Very few have asked. I have had many responses to that question. You know the question, “ What Happened?”

Exactly what the Lord said would happen...


 16“Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.  17Beware of men, for they will deliver you over to courts and flog you in their synagogues,  18and you will be dragged before governors and kings for my sake, to bear witness before them and the Gentiles.  19When they deliver you over, do not be anxious how you are to speak or what you are to say, for what you are to say will be given to you in that hour.  20For it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.  21Brother will deliver brother over to death, and the father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death,  23When they persecute you in one town, flee to the next, for truly, I say to you, you will not have gone through all the towns of Israel before the Son of Man comes. 22and you will be hated by all for my name's sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.  36And a person's enemies will be those of his own household.  39Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Matthew 10 clearly states what would happen to those that we called and sent. They would be persecuted and need to flee a town. Yep, it happened. The only question now is where do we go next?

Dear Sister

Dear Sister,

I don’t really know where to start.

Over the past three months my world has been turned upside down.  The path that I believed the Lord was leading me down was suddenly interrupted, diverted, no more. Now, I spend my days in constant fear. Yes, fear. You read correctly. I am AFRAID.

I read a beautiful line today.  Erin Davis wrote that the “current reality often eclipses our future possibilities. It’s hard to imagine things will ever look much different than this, what’s right in front of us today.” My today is honestly kind and beautiful. My husband and I trust each other and our commitment to one another more than ever before. My children are comfortable and happy. But the circumstances that brought us to this today, the reality we are enduring is crippling.

Why am I afraid? I have my reasons and they are oh so valid but today a want to look pass the why for a moment and explore the what in which I am so afraid. I am afraid to write. It has been years since I wrote anything worth readings but God keeps beaconing me back to a page.

He began calling me to write the week after our unexpected departure.  He used a sweet man who knew no details to tell me I had something to share. He specifically said that God told him I needed to write to the wives of pastors. I was to write about my experiences and help other ladies walk my path.  He had no idea the pain that those words caused; salt in the wound. My path was over.  My life in “the ministry” I so dearly loved had reached a dead end. My how-to work would fare poorly and most  likely be titled, “Ministry for Dummies; A What Not to do Guidebook”.

Okay, maybe that book wouldn’t do so poorly after all, our churches have extremely high expectations for the Pastor’s wife. Did you get your job description?  Neither did I. They told me that they wanted me to be myself but that was far from the truth.  No matter the desire to let me serve within the church as just another church member, I was continually compared to the previous pastor’s wife. So and so taught Sunday school or she sang in the choir. So and so wasn’t as active as you.

The only advice I could  offer at the moment would be, do not let the comparison determine how you serve the Lord within your church. There were a few moments were I allowed comparison dictate my response. Now that my way has been interrupted, diverted, no more; those moments echo in my mind. Was that the very moment I let Him down?  Or was that when? See my grief is not about the people who hurt me but in the removal of the hand that was so perfectly laid upon me. But that is another story for another time when maybe my perception of reality won’t be so jaded.

You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid your hand upon me. Psalm 139:5