Dear Sister

Dear Sister,

I don’t really know where to start.

Over the past three months my world has been turned upside down.  The path that I believed the Lord was leading me down was suddenly interrupted, diverted, no more. Now, I spend my days in constant fear. Yes, fear. You read correctly. I am AFRAID.

I read a beautiful line today.  Erin Davis wrote that the “current reality often eclipses our future possibilities. It’s hard to imagine things will ever look much different than this, what’s right in front of us today.” My today is honestly kind and beautiful. My husband and I trust each other and our commitment to one another more than ever before. My children are comfortable and happy. But the circumstances that brought us to this today, the reality we are enduring is crippling.

Why am I afraid? I have my reasons and they are oh so valid but today a want to look pass the why for a moment and explore the what in which I am so afraid. I am afraid to write. It has been years since I wrote anything worth readings but God keeps beaconing me back to a page.

He began calling me to write the week after our unexpected departure.  He used a sweet man who knew no details to tell me I had something to share. He specifically said that God told him I needed to write to the wives of pastors. I was to write about my experiences and help other ladies walk my path.  He had no idea the pain that those words caused; salt in the wound. My path was over.  My life in “the ministry” I so dearly loved had reached a dead end. My how-to work would fare poorly and most  likely be titled, “Ministry for Dummies; A What Not to do Guidebook”.

Okay, maybe that book wouldn’t do so poorly after all, our churches have extremely high expectations for the Pastor’s wife. Did you get your job description?  Neither did I. They told me that they wanted me to be myself but that was far from the truth.  No matter the desire to let me serve within the church as just another church member, I was continually compared to the previous pastor’s wife. So and so taught Sunday school or she sang in the choir. So and so wasn’t as active as you.

The only advice I could  offer at the moment would be, do not let the comparison determine how you serve the Lord within your church. There were a few moments were I allowed comparison dictate my response. Now that my way has been interrupted, diverted, no more; those moments echo in my mind. Was that the very moment I let Him down?  Or was that when? See my grief is not about the people who hurt me but in the removal of the hand that was so perfectly laid upon me. But that is another story for another time when maybe my perception of reality won’t be so jaded.

You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid your hand upon me. Psalm 139:5